I think in my last post I wrote something about how almost every one of the past few posts I’d written was just an excuse about why I hadn’t written as much and a promise to write more frequently.
Le sigh.
Clearly, that hasn’t happened. I haven’t abandoned this, but life has been… chaotic? Rough? Overwhelming? I honestly don’t have words to describe it right now. Or I do, I just can’t decide what they should be.
My whole life was sort of thrown for a loop when last summer, one of my dogs needed a wheelchair. It wasn’t a sudden thing – his walking was off, and he gradually lost the use of his back legs. Long story kind of short: Things went downhill pretty quickly, and he was unable to use his front legs after a few months, and developed an unrelated breathing issue, which the vet said was most likely a mass in his lungs. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to euthanize my boy.
It sounds like an excuse to blame things on a dog, but in all seriousness, my life was a mess. I was taking him outside to pee almost once an hour while he had a UTI, and less frequently but still a lot after that. I was doing a TON of laundry because he was having accidents, and most of my life revolved around making him comfortable. And you know what? I’d happily be doing it still if he hadn’t been suffering. But I couldn’t watch him struggle anymore. He didn’t deserve that.
Since then, everything has felt like a Herculean effort. Everything reminds me of him. Some days are OK – I manage to get through work and walk my other dog and talk to my neighbors about everything without tearing up. Other days, I start crying when I wake up and stop when I go to sleep. Not that I need to justify my feelings, but he was my first dog, the first pet I had of my own, and I’ve had him since he was 8 weeks old. He would have been 13 this year, and I always envisioned that I’d have him for so much longer. He was my baby, and with me through so much. It’s really hard to live without him.
The bright side (if I have to find one) is that he isn’t suffering, and I still have my other dog. We can grieve together, and keep each other company. And since he’s become majorly codependent and has separation anxiety, we’re together ALL the time. He’s the perfect excuse to stay home and read, because nothing makes him happier than me being stationary and easy to find. Aside from maybe taking a walk – he does love seeing people and other dogs and smelling everything.
Anyway, life must go on, and so I am gradually getting back to reading. I’m finishing a re-read of Pride and Prejudice because The Rosenbach’s Austen Mondays biblioventure recently concluded, and I was way behind because, well, dog reasons. They are currently doing Pickwick Monthly and will be doing Sherlock Holmes stories starting in the fall, which I’m very much looking forward to since I just picked up a two-volume set of the complete works to work my way through. I also signed up for an Emma reading course, as well as a second gothic lit course through them, so I have a lot of reading awaiting me in the next few months.
I have also been contemplating reading all of Shakespeare in a year. I can’t decide if I want to start this year or if I want to put it off until next year. The practical part of my brain keeps telling me I have enough to read for courses and I don’t need to add to the mix, but the other part of my brain just keeps telling me to do it. If not now, when? And who’s to say something won’t prevent me from doing it next year too? I want to start on April 23 – Shakespeare’s possible birthday and definite death day – so I do have some time to decide. I was also thinking about making a podcast about it, which is part of why I’m not sure about when to start, because it’s more work… but again, if not now, when?
Well, friend, I hope you will join me for my next post, which will hopefully not be about why I haven’t been reading or posting. I’m going to look at all the books I read last year and talk about my favorites, and maybe my least favorites. We’ll see what stand out as I go through the list. I am really glad that I keep track of things on Goodreads – I never rate anything I read, and I beat myself up over my reading goals when comparing my progress with my friends’ lists, but it’s good for helping me remember what I read in a year. Sometimes it’s hard to remember what you’ve read and when you read it. Plus, my job involves a lot of reading, so my brain is taxed with words and things. I’m not complaining, it’s just the truth.
Anyway, that’s all for now. I’ll be back soon with actual book content and not rambling about how sad I am (although to be fair, it might be some of that). Hug the ones you love and give your pets extra treats because you just never know.
Lindsey Reads Things 